Editing Sample

To give you an example of our editing services, the following is a sample essay submitted by a typical student. You will see the student's original essay followed by our edited version. 

Essay Question: "On a more personal level, summarize the personal experiences that have shaped who you are, your family background, people who have influenced you, obstacles you have had to overcome and major turning points in your life."

The "Before" Version

Different from children growing in the city, I lived with my grandparents in the country before seven years ago.  When I lived in the country, I always kept my grandfather company.  My grandfather was in the military in China and fled to Taiwan when the communists took over the China, so he was industrious and frugal.  He used his creativity to make what we needed in our daily life.  When he made something, he always told me that I should create my future by myself.  At that time, I was too young to understand what he said but I kept his words in my mind.  Sometimes, grandfather had free time, he would tell me historic stories or some stories of hometown in China.  Those stories made me impressive and become my interests when I grown up.

When I moved to Taipei to go to the elementary school, everything in the country was sweet even though fight with my neighbors in the field.  Living in the strange city, I had to get used of many things including living with my parent and to sister.  Because my younger sister had excellent academic score and participated in many extracurricular activities, I started to limit my younger sister's behavior. At that time, I had no confidence to be myself and made my younger sister to be my image in all aspects.  I appreciated her independent characteristic and innovative ability.  She always had the different idea from other people and made her words persuasive.  She seemed to have independent thinking ability to judge everything.  Under her influence, I did not know how to explain myself and become the shadow of her.

Until I entered the senior high school, my younger sister and I studying in the different school, I started to learn how to be independent.  It was the major turning point in my life because I started to express myself and to be myself.  The important person who let me get the confidence was my history teacher. She found that I was interested in the history and had intelligence in analysis and in judgment.  She encouraged me to express my own opinions and acclaim me in the public.  Her behavior made me confident in myself because I was appreciated and was received just by doing myself.  Moreover, my teacher told me to read several books to develop myself after classes.  When I graduated from high school, I became the lady with full confidence and with independent thinking and judging ability. I could take responsibility to face my life and create my future by myself.

When I studied in the college, without the pressure of examination, I sincerely considered my future-what kind of life do I want to live and what kind of person do I want to be?  Suddenly, I thought of my grandfather's words: "I should create my future by myself" which like candle in the dark.  It gave me power to face the challenges and overcome the difficulty over and over.  Therefore, I decided to develop my potential to create my colorful future.  I actively participated in extracurricular activities to develop my interests in many aspects.  Additionally, I elect dual major in Business Administration and in Chinese Literature that launched me into the dynamic field of having concern of Art Department and rational thinking of Commerce Department.  After getting outstanding grades in both departments, I have acquired the ability of independent thinking, prompt and efficient actions, and a determination creating wonderful future.

After graduating, I chose to begin my career with AA Accounting Firm.  It is the chance to involve in business operations and financial decision-making process of various industries, give me the opportunity to gain the most business knowledge and practical experience in a short amount of time, therefore quickly increasing my flexibility, judgment, and overall business skills.  I think that I will still fellow my grandfather's word. In the future, I do not want to retrospect but I just want to make whom I love and who love me proud of me. 

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The Revised Version

A personal essay is an opportunity to express what I believe are experiences and factors in my life that shaped me. I certainly I have a unique perspective. I am different from most of my peers for the following reasons: my family is originally from mainland China; I lived in the countryside for the majority of my youth; and the tutelage of my beloved grandfather.  These factors have contributed to my belief in self-determination, applying myself academically, and pushing my potential.

Early in my life, my grandfather acted as my primary care-giver; he was the one who supervised me both before and after school, and the person who taught me values and responsibilities. He has had a profound influence on my life, and is a constant source of strength.

My grandfather is very special. He was a military officer during the Chinese Civil War in 1949.  He joined the defeated KMT party when they retreated to Taiwan following the war.  This hardship and suffering led to his strong convictions in industriousness, forbearance, and practical thrift. Aside from understanding this history and hearing tales of his hometown on the mainland, he taught me -through his own stellar example - how to become an independent person.

I gained my first taste of independence early when I moved from the countryside to the city of Taipei, Taiwan, for my education. I left behind sweet memories of rice fields and lovely rivers for the terrain of urban streets and hi-rise communities.

I also had to leave my beloved grandfather behind, his comforting support and guidance; now I would live with my parents and my two sisters.  Now I had to compete with my two siblings and vie for the attention of my parents. My younger sibling was especially inspirational to me. She had high academic grades and participated in many extracurricular activities. I came to admire her success and her independent personality.  Sometimes I even thought that I was her "shadow".

In my senior high school, my sister and I attended different schools. This new environment was good for me; I became self-reliant, confident and began to explore my own academic interests. One of my greatest inspirations came from a history teacher. She first ignited my interest in history and analytical thinking. She encouraged me to express my opinions- even when they were not mainstream or conventional. I became a confident speaker, able to express my ideas effectively. Furthermore, my teacher encouraged me to self-study topics of personal interest. She recommended numerous historical titles, and soon I was one of the best-qualified "historians" in my class. I believe that I will always have a life-long love of learning. I also believe that by applying myself diligently I can reach my potential in various endeavors. I certainly learned this in college.

It was not until I entered college that I truly questioned the value of education and its importance. What did it all signify? Like a candle in the dark, my grandfather's words enlightened me and radiated the courage and power I needed to overcome the challenges of my rigorous academic schedule. His encouragement also inspired me to take part in many of my college's extracurricular programs.

Shortly thereafter, I decided to pursue a dual major in both business administration and Chinese literature. Such a heavy academic schedule would definitely be taxing and tiring, but it would also allow me the opportunity to pursue topics that I was interested in.

My resolve was proven when I received outstanding grades in both subjects.  I continued to receive good grades in these subjects for the duration of my college career.  Overcoming these challenges early on in my education taught me how to become a true independent thinker and an organized individual who could efficiently master two academic subjects.

After graduating from the college, I was forced to choose between these two subjects once again.  I decided to take a position with a world-leading CPA firm. The chance to work for a multinational company in the field of fiscal decision-making fit perfectly with my career ambitions.  Soon, I would be given the opportunity to work with many different industries, including some of the most successful companies in Asia, and many of the best financial professionals. Within a short amount of time, I was able to increase my business skills, my fiscal judgment, and my flexibility. 

I believe I truly understand the meaning of hard work, perseverance, and resolve. To this day, I still heed my grandfather's words and I strive to be a good example for many people whom I love.